new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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