WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
