My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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