so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
