I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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