I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
