She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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