Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
