I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
