Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
