I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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