I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Randomize
