Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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