I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
