I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
