new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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