I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
bring money and cleavage
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
not ubering you a puppy
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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