There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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