If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
