My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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