the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
