Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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