I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
