It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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