Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Who died my cat blue again?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
