I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
