Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
