fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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