There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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