Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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