It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
