You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
