hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
