I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
