am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
