You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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