you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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