Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
