im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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