Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
