Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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