So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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