New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
