Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
