i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
