my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
