We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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