well I can't set my house on fire every night
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
