I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
