You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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